现代真理

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【传道者|中英文朗读】成为爱玩的父亲 Playful fathers 

成为爱玩的父亲

我妻子常说她家里有四个孩子。（事实上我们只有三个）

像孩子一样和我的孩子们嬉戏玩耍已成为我释放压力的最佳方式。我可以做一些顽皮的事情——在地上滚来滚去，玩捉迷藏，发出有趣的声音。所有这些都能让我情不自禁地做一件自己经常忽略的事——笑。 所以，对我来说，作一个爱玩的父亲比生活中任何其他事物更能疗愈我。父子亲情令人受益无穷。

现在，我的儿子都成长为青少年。作一名爱玩的父亲需要知道不同的玩法。但是，曾经的欢声笑语和团结协作形成的亲密关系仍然令他们记忆犹新。去年圣诞节就留给了他们如此美好的回忆——在主题公园游玩过山车。

孩子们小的时候，我很想在暑假期间带他们去，但他们太小了，不能和我一起坐过山车。现在他们已经远远超过最低身高限制，都想去，并坚持要我陪他们。 “来吧，爸爸，”他们说，“也许你因为自己年老害怕了吗？” 这些话戳中了我，于是我接受了挑战。不用说，当过山车终于停下来时，我实在太高兴了。在这个过程中，我发现我培养了一群新的过山车迷，他们坚持要我每次都和他们一起体验这份激情。

正面影响

《贝尔法斯特电讯报》中有篇文章称，伦敦帝国理工学院、伦敦国王学院和牛津大学的研究人员研究了父亲如何与孩子互动，并测算了认知发展程度。父亲表现出比较内向或抑郁时，孩子在颜色和形状识别等大脑测试中得分会偏低。“这里给新爸爸们的明确指示是，要坚持和孩子一起玩。”许多类似的报告几乎都证实，和孩子一起玩会给孩子的成长带来可贵的积极影响，甚至远远超过当前的愉快体验。

情绪影响

一个爱玩的父亲对孩子的情感发展也大有帮助，根据研究人员保罗·罗伯茨和比尔·莫斯利的说法，这一推动力“随着年龄的增长，在两三岁的时候，这种父子关系变得更加明显。在玩耍时，父亲往往更注重与幼儿的身体接触——摔跤、玩捉迷藏等——而母亲则强调语言交流和与玩具等物体的互动。 在几乎所有情况下，……父亲更有可能“让孩子兴奋，无论是消极的还是积极的，带着恐惧和喜悦，促使他们学会调节自己的情绪。”

“从某种意义上说，父亲会促使孩子去应对母子关系之外的世界……

“首先，孩子们学习如何通过父亲的面部表情、语气和其他非语言暗示‘读懂’他的情绪，并做出相应的反应……

“随后，孩子们学会了如何将自己的情绪清晰地传达给他人，”3如通过哭泣、不回应或走神。 “最后，孩子们学会了如何‘倾听’自己的情绪状态。 如，一个孩子很快就会知道，如果他过于“兴奋”或哭泣，可能会赶走他的玩伴。

“这种情绪控制所产生的影响是深远的。”因此，父子互动的质量与孩子以后某些生活技能的发展之间存在联系，包括处理挫折的能力、探索新事物和活动的意愿，以及对于解决问题的持久性。

社会影响

发展孩子的社交能力与情绪调节能力同等重要。罗伯茨和莫斯利坚持认为，“‘早期学会如何解码和编码情绪的孩子，在任何社交场合中都会更加应对自如。’”

他们还研究了这一优势对于兄弟姐妹之间关系的影响，得出的结论是：“孩子们在玩耍时从父亲那里学到情绪管理方面的‘教导’后将会应用到与兄弟姐妹之间的互动交流中——最终与家庭以外的人——并会产生更多的合作和更少的矛盾。”6

负面影响

研究人员发现，传统中，“当母亲以更亲切、并用与孩子需求相关讨喜的教育方式来增进亲子关系，父亲有趣和有激情的方式会逐渐失去吸引力。 到了八九岁，孩子可能已经对父亲开玩笑而感到生气，或者对他的“我要抓到你了”的嬉闹风格感到无聊或厌烦。

“随着儿童进入青春期，这种差异往往变得非常明显。研究表明，青春期前和青春期时两种性别的青少年继续依赖他们的母亲来获得亲密感和自己的需求，并且越来越多地将母亲视为信任和体贴的最佳父母人选。 相比之下， …… 在孩子们的头几年，父亲们非常喜欢开玩笑、爱玩的特点会使他与孩子们相处得很好，但是这种方式可能会使他与青少年疏远，让他们觉得父亲没有认真对待他们的想法和需求。”7

以下是一些可以增进和亲子关系的具体互动游戏：

  • 向对方的肚子吹气。
  • 把你的孩子背在背上或让他骑在肩上。
  • 旋转或将他们抛起。随时随地都可以这样玩
  • 帮助他们用手倒立、用头倒立、侧手翻或翻筋斗。
  • 假装自己是一匹马（或其他动物），让您的孩子骑在您的背上。
  • 来一场比赛吧！ 不要让他们每次都赢。
  • 一起爬树。
  • 一起滚下山坡。
  • 去滑雪橇。
  • 把他们抛到空中并接住他们
  • 在雨中玩耍，在水坑中跳跃。
  • 玩呼啦圈或跳绳。
  • 打网球、篮球、排球，踢足球、橄榄球，躲球游戏。
  • 扔飞盘。

“据推测，父亲不那么亲密的互动风格可能会更容易让他们扮演‘沉重’的角色——虽然并不更愉快。大多数情况下，青少年逐渐将他们的父亲视为更严厉、更疏远的家长。”

“显然，父亲和青春期孩子之间的距离不仅仅是父亲早期和他们玩乐的结果。青春期的一个主要影响就是孩子逐渐从和父母的情感和身体连结中走向独立。

即使是最负责任的父亲也会很快发现，成为当代父亲的道路上充满了障碍。 . . . 圣克拉拉大学心理学教授，杰罗德博士说，了解你与自己父亲的关系是第一步。 如果没有，你肯定会不自觉地、无意识地复制你的童年。”10

加添乐趣

积极的游戏有一些特别之处，可以创造快乐、真实的感受和回忆。 我了解到，创造有趣的活动不需要带孩子参加大型活动或花很多钱。这很简单——让他们骑在你的背上，让他们在你的膝盖上弹跳，和他们一起冲进商店，一起唱傻傻的歌曲。充分利用你已经做过的日常活动，例如带孩子上学、一起吃饭、预备他们入睡，然后给他们加增一些具有创造性的乐趣。暂时忘记待办事项清单，并为你本就感到压力很大的育儿加添一点轻松感。

高质量的时间

作为一名多教会的牧师，我经常不得不重新评估我的时间。 一天晚上，当我外出进行探访时，这一点对我来说变得更加明显。探访进行到一半时，父亲（被探访者）请求原谅，说他必须帮助孩子们准备睡觉，并给他们讲睡前故事。在那次访问之后，我决定对我的日程做出重大改变，在夜晚为我的家人留出尽可能多的时间。

很多父亲认为，只要他们能在一周结束时与孩子共度几个小时的优质时间，就可以弥补一周空缺的时间。虽然如此长的时间是一种愉快的享受，但研究表明，每天与孩子相处更短但更稳定的时间会产生更多有益的结果。当谈到时间的质量

今天，我们不仅有疏远的父亲，还有单身母亲不得不在很少拥有或缺失父亲支持的情况下抚养孩子。如果父亲不属于这个家庭，那么父亲需要用不同的方法变得好玩。对于孩子们来说，在玩耍活动有限的情况下，感知到他们父亲的存在同样重要，无论是在特殊的日子里，还是通过现代科技的多种途径进行交流。孩子的自我意识中将这种努力靠近的行为视为重要的爱和关怀。

《管理学术期刊》在 2015 年发表的一项研究表明，与孩子相处的时间越多的职场父亲，其工作满意度会高于不陪伴孩子的父亲。报告还提到，关注家庭的男性会减少对工作的关注，但不会损害他们的职业生涯。相比之下，大量证据表明，缺少父亲关怀的家庭中的孩子在以后的生活中更有可能出现纪律问题。11 

2006 年发表的一项研究表明，“即使从出生开始，有父亲参与的孩子也更有可能在情感上有安全感，更有信心探索周围的环境，并且随着年龄的增长，与同龄人的人际关系更好。这些孩子也不太可能在家里、学校或附近遇到麻烦。”12 因此，发现自己与孩子疏远的父亲，如果努力与孩子保持亲近，他们仍会产生积极的影响。好好珍惜和他们在一起的时间。

吸引人的游戏

当十几岁的孩子沉浸在完全不需要父亲的全新娱乐世界里时，作为父亲怎样与孩子互动和玩耍？ 一个简单的答案就是加入他们。 有一天，我 14 岁的儿子正在踢 FIFA 足球。 当我问我是否可以和他比赛时，他笑着迎接我，好像在说：“欢迎你来到我的世界。” 我从儿子那里感受到了兴奋，因为他知道我已经尝试进入他的世界并体验他所体会到的乐趣。不用说，我输了，这让他很高兴。但是在 15 分钟的时间里，我们一起玩耍和交谈，这是一个宝贵的机会。

进入我们的青少年期孩子的世界意味着了解他们喜欢做的事情。你尝试去理解他们的行为会产生一种欣赏和感激。尽管同龄人和其他兴趣对他们的影响可能会超过他们年幼时从我们那里获得的影响，但与他们保持同步，不要退得太远才是关键。 虽然现在的游戏类型可能有所不同，但与您的孩子建立稳定关系的唯一前提就是你投身其中。

价值观的传递

基督愿意在繁忙地教导、接触病人和被遗弃之人的同时留出时间给孩子，这对我们父亲来说是一个完美的榜样。他不仅强调了孩子在上帝国度范围内的重要性，而且还提出了一个宝贵的教训，即尽管生活面临紧张与压力，今天的父亲应该同样有自己的优先次序。

与你的青少年孩子保持联系可以打开新的大门，以便参与一些有趣的活动，包括一起出去吃快餐、参加体育比赛，或者我敢说，乘坐最大的过山车。这些趣味活动的印记将留在你成长中的孩子身上，他们也会传承下去——当轮到他们做父亲时。

Playful fathers

My wife often said that she had four children in the house. (We have three.)

Becoming a child and frolicking with my children turned out to be one of my best stress releasers. I had permission to do silly things—roll around on the ground, play tag, and make funny sounds. All of this elicited the one thing I often neglected to do—laugh. So, for me, being a playful father was more therapeutic than anything else life had to offer. And the benefits for the child-father relationship were huge.

Today, my boys are all teenagers. Being a playful father requires a different type of playfulness now. But the building blocks of a firm relationship through fun and laughter and doing things together remain etched in their memory. One such memory occurred just last Christmas—visiting a theme park and riding on the roller coasters.

When the boys were younger, I would take them during the summer holidays, but they were too short to ride the roller coasters with me. Now well over the minimum height, they all wanted to go and insisted that I accompany them. “Come on, Dad,” they said. “Or are you afraid, in your old age?” Those words pricked me, so I rose to the challenge. Needless to say, I was all too glad when the ride was over. In the process, I discovered that I had now created a new breed of roller-coaster junkies who insisted that I experience the thrill with them on every ride.

THE POSITIVE EFFECTS

An article in the Belfast Telegraph1 reports that researchers from Imperial College London, King’s College London, and Oxford University examined how fathers interacted with their children and then measured cognitive development. Children whose fathers displayed more withdrawn and depressed behavior when the children were three months old scored lower in brain tests that included recognizing colors and shapes. “The clear message for new fathers here is to get stuck in and play with your baby.”2 Many similar reports almost seem to confirm that playing with your child brings a wealth of future positive results that even far outweigh the present joyful experience.

THE EMOTIONAL EFFECTS

Being a playful father also greatly helps a child’s emotional development, a dynamic that, according to researchers Paul Roberts and Bill Moseley, “becomes more pronounced as father-child relationships enter their second and third years. When playing, fathers tend to be more physical with their toddlers—wrestling, playing tag, and so on—while mothers emphasize verbal exchanges and interacting with objects, like toys. In nearly all instances, . . . fathers are much more likely ‘to get children worked up, negatively or positively, with fear as well as delight, forcing them to learn to regulate their feelings.’

“In a sense, then, fathers push children to cope with the world outside the mother-child bond. . . .

“First, children learn how to ‘read’ their father’s emotions via his facial expressions, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues, and respond accordingly. . . .

“Second, children learn how to clearly communicate their own emotions to others,”3 such as by crying, not responding, or wandering off. “Finally, children learn how to ‘listen’ to their own emotional state. For instance, a child soon learns that if he becomes too ‘worked up’ and begins to cry, he may in effect drive his play partner away.

“The consequences of such emotional mastery are far-reaching.”4 Therefore, there are links between the quality of father-child interactions and a child’s later development of certain life skills, including an ability to manage frustration, a willingness to explore new things and activities, and persistence in problem solving.

THE SOCIAL EFFECTS

Just as important as learning to regulate the emotional intensity of their interactions is children’s ability to develop interactive social communication. Roberts and Moseley maintain that “ ‘Kids who learn how to decode and encode emotions early on will be better off later when it comes to any social encounter.’ ”5

They have also studied such benefits in the area of sibling relationships, concluding: “The emotion-management ‘lessons’ learned by children from their fathers during play are later applied in interactions with siblings—and ultimately with people outside the family—and lead to more cooperation and less fighting.”6

THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS

The researchers found that, stereotypically, “while a mother’s more intimate, need-related approach to parenting generally continues to cement her bond with her children, a father’s more playful and stimulating style steadily loses its appeal. By the age of eight or nine, a child may already be angry at his father’s teasing, or bored or annoyed by his I’m-gonna-gitcha style.

“This discrepancy often becomes quite pronounced as children reach adolescence. Research suggests that preteens and teens of both sexes continue to rely on their mothers for intimacy and needs, and increasingly view her as the favored parent in areas requiring sensitivity and trust. By contrast, . . . the joking, playful style that serves fathers so well during children’s first years may begin to alienate teens, giving them the impression that their father doesn’t take their thoughts and needs seriously.”7

HERE ARE EXAMPLES OF PRACTICAL PLAY ACTIVITIES TO STRENGTHEN THE BOND WITH YOUR CHILD:

  • Blow on each other’s bellies.
  • Give your child a piggyback or shoulder ride.
  • Twirl, spin, or toss them. Such things can all be done anytime, anywhere.
  • Help them do a handstand, headstand, cartwheel, or somersault.
  • Pretend to be a horse (or another animal) and let your child ride on your back.
  • Have a race! Don’t let them win every time.
  • Climb trees together.
  • Roll down hills.
  • Go sledding.
  • Throw them up into the air and catch them
  • Play in the rain and jump in puddles.
  • Play with a Hula-Hoop or jump rope.
  • Play some tennis, basketball, football, soccer, dodgeball, or volleyball.
  • Throw around a Frisbee.

“It’s hypothesized that fathers’ less intimate interactive style may make it easier—although not more pleasant—for them to play the ‘heavy.’ In any case, adolescents come to see their fathers as the harsher, more distant parent.”8

“Clearly, the distance between fathers and adolescent children is not solely a result of fathers’ playfulness earlier on. A central function of adolescence is a child’s gradual movement toward emotional and physical autonomy from both parents.”9

Even the most dedicated dads quickly discover that the road to modern fatherhood is strewn with obstacles. . . . Jerrold Lee Shapiro, PhD, professor of psychology at Santa Clara University, says understanding your relationship with your own father is the first step. If not, you’re bound to automatically and unconsciously replicate things from your childhood.”10

INFUSE FUN

There is just something special about active play that creates happy, genuine feelings and memories. I have learned that creating fun activities does not require taking children to major events or spending a lot of money. It’s the simple things—let them ride on your back, bounce them on your knee, race with them into stores, sing silly songs together. Take advantage of everyday things that you already do, such as taking your kids to school, eating together, getting them ready for bed, and then imbue them with a bit of creative playfulness. Forget the to-do lists momentarily and add some levity into your otherwise-stressful parenting.

QUALITY TIME

As a multichurch pastor, I constantly had to reevaluate my time. This became more apparent to me one evening when I was out on a pastoral visit. Halfway through the visit, the father asked to be excused, saying that he had to get his children ready for bed and tell them a bedtime story. After that visit, I determined to make significant changes to my pastoral schedule, keeping as many evenings free as possible for my family.

Many fathers assume that as long as they can get a few hours’ quality time at the end of the week with their children, it will make up for the absent hours during the rest of the week. While such longer hours are a welcomed treat, research has shown that shorter but more consistent periods each day with children have more rewarding results. When it comes to the question of whether quality or quantity time is better, then both would be just as important.

Too often today, we have not only distant fathers but also single mothers having to raise children with little or no fatherly support. Fathers who have no other option than to be a father outside the child’s home need a different approach to becoming that playful father. What’s just as important for children when playful activities are limited is knowing their father is present in their lives whether through special days out or communicating through the many avenues of today’s technology. The child’s mind registers such efforts to reach out as significant acts of love and care.

A study published by The Academy of Management Perspectives in 2015 suggested that working fathers who spend more time with their children will have greater levels of job satisfaction than those who don’t. The report went on to say that men who pay attention to their families will become less focused on their work but not to the detriment of their careers.11 In contrast, significant evidence indicates that the children of fatherless homes are more likely to have disciplinary issues in later life.

A study published in 2006 stated that “even from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections with peers. These children are also less likely to get into trouble at home, school, or in the neighborhood.”12 Fathers who find themselves separated from their children, therefore, can still have a positive influence when they make efforts to stay involved with the child and make good use of the time that is spent with them.

ENGAGING PLAY

How can fathers still engage and play with teenage children caught up in a whole new world of entertainment void of any father necessity? One easy answer is simply to join them. One day my 14-year-old son was playing FIFA football. When I asked whether I could play against him, he greeted me with a joyful smile as if to say, “You are welcome to come into my world.” I sensed excitement from my son just in his knowing that I had made an attempt to enter his realm and have a taste of what he finds captivating. Needless to say, I got thrashed, which gave him great pleasure. But for 15 minutes, we were playing together and talking, which was a prized opportunity.

Getting into the world of our teenagers means understanding what things they enjoy doing. Your attempts to understand create a sense of appreciation and gratefulness. Though their peers and other interests may override the influence they received from us when younger, keeping a measured pace with them and not dropping back too far is the key. While the type of play may now be different, building a strong relationship with your teenager involves nothing more than being there.

VALUES TRANSMISSION

Christ’s willingness to make time for children, despite His busy schedule of teaching and reaching out to the sick and outcast, is a perfect example for us fathers. He not only reinforced the importance of children in the spectrum of God’s kingdom but also set a valuable lesson of what ought to be just as much a priority for fathers today, despite the pressures of time and demands of life.

Staying connected with your teenager will open new doors of fun activities that could range from going out for fast-food meals together, attending a sporting event, or, dare I say, riding the biggest roller coasters. They are the imprints of fun activities that will remain with your growing child and shape how your teenager will transfer those practices—when it’s their turn.

References

  1. 1. Ella Pickover, “Playful Dads ‘Have Babies Who Grow to Be Brainier,’ ” Belfast Telegraph, May 10, 2017,belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/playful-dads-have-babies-who-grow-to-be-brainier-35698415.html. ^
  2. 2. Pickover, “Playful Dads.” ^
  3. 3. Paul Roberts and Bill Moseley, “Father’s Time: Understanding the Challenges of Fatherhood,” Psychology Today, May 1, 1996, psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/199605/fathers-time. ^
  4. 4. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  5. 5. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  6. 6. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  7. 7. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  8. 8. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  9. 9. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  10. 10. Roberts and Moseley, “Father’s Time.” ^
  11. 11. Nedune, “Seven Reasons Why It’s Essential Children Spend Time With Their Fathers,” Nairaland Forum, January 14, 2016, nairaland.com/2864985/seven-reasons-why-essential-children. ^
  12. 12. Jeffrey Rosenberg and W. Bradford Wilcox, The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children, (Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2006), 12,childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/fatherhood.pdf. ^

原文链接：https://www.ministrymagazine.org/archive/2020/02/Playful-fathers

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